Ok kids, grab a seat and get nice and comfy because I'm about to tell you a tale that will scare the beejesus out of you. This is the story of my life:
I don't remember much yet I remember alot...let me explain:
I don't remember birthdays, or what it was like to be a kid, I don't remember doing anything that kids do except for playing nintendo and collecting Garbage Pail kids. I was a child of the 80's, born on the ass end of the 70's. What I do however remember is the fights that in my mind took place nightly. Even if they didn't whatever it's all a big blur. Someone was always screaming, someone was always crying, I was always hiding or trying to get out. I grew up an angry punk rockin grunger who wore steel toe boots and layers upon layers accentuated by flannel. I kicked anyones ass that looked at me. Most of my friends were only that way for 2 reasons: Drugs or fear.
At 14 I was raped by 2 different guys on the same night at a party I was stranded at. I didn't press charges because they were big time redneck jocks who were important at the school. I told a teacher but she didnt do anything as far as legalities go, she did however console me and teach me that she was trust worthy.
Just when I had aquired friends, my parents decided to move. So we moved from SC to NY's farmcountry to a town called Pine Bush where I smoked ALOT of pot (not for the first time), dropped acid (for the first time), Fell in love for the first time, Made alot of awesome friends, found my true self, got pierced, dyed my hair, obsessed over kurt cobain and numbing myself.
At some point during the same year my step-mother attacked me and I struck back, however my anger reached its peak and I blacked out. I don't remember a big portion of it but I'm sure I beat the shit out of her. Good. She had hit me for years and I was fed up. To this day I can't say that I regret what happened because she never put her hands on me or threatened me again. She did however make it a point to come to my highschool and tell the school I would not be welcomed back home. Then she told my dad that I ran away. My dad tried to convince me to come home, instead I went to a children's shelter where about 15 others lived for 30 day time periods.
While in there I tried to off myself with a key I found (we couldn't have sharp objects), I scratched myself until my arm began to bleed alot. I panicked and called one of the adults into my room and told them that it had been an accident. I knew they didn't believe me but damn it they had no other proof so they had to go along with my story that it was a reaction to some meds I had been prescribed for an ear infection that itched so bad I kept scratching. I still have a scar.
Eventually my parents picked me up but things were worse so I stayed with as many friends as possible for as long as possible. This persisted until my dad lovingly abandoned me at my mothers house. He told me he had to get kidney surgery which I neively believed. I had actually been on the road to happiness around this point until this stunt. I went to my moms thinking I'd be there for about 3 weeks. As he pulled out of the driveway my grandmother said "He's not coming back" and I was pissed! I guess I knew it was true, but of course I yelled and screamed at her telling her how aweful she was for saying such a thing. My grandfather told her not to say these things to me.
My little brother was 4. My mother didn't want to stay home. She was on coke as far as I know at the time. Who paid attention anyway? She left me alone, and I left her alone. She brought me beer home by the cases so I thought she was cool until I sobered up and realized she was supposed to be my mother. My little brother has ADHD and he would drive me crazy by throwing shit down the stairs and banging his head into the wall. My mom asked me to quit school and watch him. She was starting a new biz. with my step dad. Fine, I hated that fucking school. The kid pushed me over the top. No that's not fair, I was already over the top so trying to take care of a 4 year old with behavioral problems wasn't working. There was never food in the house, only beer and disgusting pork & beans, many days I would take my brother to the store in his stroller, we'd walk the mile or so to the grocery and I'd shove food into his carriage. Getting caught never fazed me. We had to eat. HE had to eat. I could drink all day and not care but he was 4.
During this time I was so hard up I gave myself up for some $$ if you don't know what I mean by that click the x at the top right of your screen b/c you shouldn't be reading this.
I found sex to be as stimulating as drugs and basically became hooked. I had sex with a few random strangers 2 of which became friends. During this time I was also keeping intouch with my friends from the last place I lived in NY and the ones from SC. The phone bill was huge on a regular basis. Still I didnt care, I was entitled to SOMETHING.
One of these friends was one of the most beautiful guys I have ever known. Mike Smith. He was physically beautiful with white blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. His voice made me feel safe and he listened. He cared. He and I had a plan to get out of our situations. (His parents split up, when his mom decided to come back she said she would only do so if his dad got rid of Mike...they didn't even know him) so anyway, he had moved in with a female friend of ours and was fairly happy for what it was worth but he needed to get out. We would talk for hours. He was supposed to come visit as was I, and he had admitted to liking me as much as I liked him. He once told me we were twin souls. I was in heaven!!! None of the other friends knew of the extent of our conversations, unless he told them but I don't think he did. He and some of his friends were going to get a house and he invited me to move in.
Around this time my dad talked me into moving back in with him and my step mother by offering me food on a regular basis along with several other luxeries...one of which was being near my friends again. So I hopped on a plane and within a few hours I was out of the coke house hell that I felt trapped in but damn did I miss that kid! the 4 year old had made me feel loved, along with Mike. They were my solace in the midst of chaos.
2 weeks after my arrival, a friend of mine called and told me that Mike had tried to kill himself. He shot himself in the head and was found on the bathroom floor. Within just a few hours of the news that he was 40% brain dead, his parents pulled the plug. Those selfish fucks got exactly what they wanted, and I know that's one thing Mike was trying to say.
But, I was crushed! I took off on my mountain bike and sat ontop of the nearest parking garage contemplating joining him and feeling abit guilty, I hadn't been allowed to call him or anyone else since my return to the southern prison of home. I never saw him again not even in a picture, I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, Anyone who had a pic. of mike wouldn't give it up so, like I said, I never got to see him again.
Fast forward abit. From being out of school for such a long time I was now looking at having to make up the previous years work as well as the current years...Once again we moved, this time just a few houses down. My dad however moved out and went back to NY, my step mom was working for paul mitchell. No one was ever home. I lived on my own. the wicked witch stopped in once in a while and was actually nice. She also provided me with loads of alcohol and as much money as I wanted, provided that I not tell my father about her boyfriend. One day I came home from school though and she had moved out. The house was totally empty. No furniture or anything, just my room left untouched. It was eerie and I should have stayed my ass right there, but I didnt want to be alone so I crashed with a friend.
Believe it or not she was in a similar situation. Her mother had abandon her for some guy who was 8 years her junior. She left megan the house though and dropped by rarely. We had a BLAST! The school I was attending at the time was very closed minded to 16 year olds with body piercings and neon green hair and at the first chance they got kicked me out for not living at home. (Do you see the irony there? If not click the "X" at the top right of your screen)
Anyway, around this time, Megan's mom started demanding money from both of us...when we couldn't produce it, I was kicked out. I moved in with 2 hippies who were very cool. Well one of them was. I got a job at Wendy's and paid rent for like 3 months. I lived on a couch the rest of the time. While working I broke my wrist and the next day came home to find the locks changed. Since no one was home I broke down the door and got my shit. I had this girl who liked me pick me up and drop me off at the Boulevard. You know, the BLVD. in Myrtle Beach?
With the vagrancy laws that plague that area I was forced to stay up until atleast 8 AM daily, at that time I would hit the sand using my book bag as a pillow and the extra shirt I had as a bit of a blanket. That's all I had anymore, A bookbag that held the following contents: A notebook, Pens, a minature chess board, Jack Kerouac's "On the Road", "Little Girl Lost" by Drew Barrymore, and a button up shirt I think it was my favorite flannel at the time.
Needless to say I got very friendly with the local employees at the beachware stores who would once in awhile let me use their restrooms to pee or shower, or let me crash in their cars. One girl who was BEAUTIFUL (April) often gave me rides if I had a place to stay lined up after she got off work. During the weekends I along with the other 20 some odd homeless teens in my social group pan-handled tourists. At the end of the night we pooled our funds and if we had enough would get a room at a scumbag motel where we would wash our bodies and clothes with cheap-o soap and sleep naked feeling the not so clean sheets. We loved one another and would lay as if we were all in love, it was similar to the scenes you read of from the 60's and hippie communes.
We got each other through the days and nights, we shared money when we had it. Alot of the girls prostituted but we NEVER discussed it. I didn't. I wrote poetry on the beach and walked ALL day every day. Up and down stopping now and then for a cigarette at the mercy of some unsuspecting stranger that I had eyed coming out of a store with a fresh pack. The others enjoyed my poetry at the end of these long days as if it were a bed time story.
As the summer began to wind down and school was on the horizon I knew Myrtle Beach would be a ghost town shortly. After hitching to a friends house who took me camping with her sister and a few other friends, I found myself bartering candles for joints with a couple of stoners from Greenville, SC. (Kind of near tennesee.) By the end of the weekend they promised that if I ever needed a place to crash I could call. 2 weeks later I did, and they wired me $80 which I received no more than 3 minutes before the last bus of the day was pulling out. The trip which normally takes 4hrs by car took grayhound 27hrs. When I got there I was beat so they got me stoned on the way to my new home. A few hours later while sleeping on the couch I was awakend by a huge cloud of smoke and roars of laughter. The next day I walked approximately 15 miles trying to find a job. As I was nearing home I found luck at a Hardee's.
A girl there about my age looked as stoned as I wanted to be. My feet were hurting and she offered me a meal for filling out an application. Fuck it! I'm not one to turn down free food! I was hired and the girl and her twin sister actually ended up becoming frequent hosts to my couch surfing adventures. I have to admit they did ALOT for me. Infact they did more for me than almost anyone ever had to this point and I screwed them over. Not intentionally but because by the end of our "relationship" I was broke and just completely beaten down. If I ever come into a large sum of money 6 figures or more, I'd like to find both of them and give them each either a new car or a large check. They deserve that. Infact as I write this I am remembering how much I miss them.
I found Greenville to be my refuge away from any of my previous lives. Like a cat I knew I already had lived many. For atleast 3/4 of my existence in greenville, I slept on top of buildings, parking garages, and benches. I peed in corners away from societies views and was kicked out of almost every place I went. I hung out with large groups of local kids wed.- sat nights. Other times they were in school and I sat around writing about these lives I was living. I also played chess with many crazy people, and bums. They are still THE most genius people I have ever encountered.
Every 3rd day I donated plasma and treated myself to toasted buns ($0.62 a piece) and once in awhile a small order of fries which I LOADED with that hot nasty melted cheese that comes in a huge bucket like tin can. BUT OMG was it good! You have to realize at this time there were sometimes days that went by where I had nothing to eat. Literally. NOTHING. And like in Myrtle Beach I was always walking. You can't stay in the same place for long periods of time because the Nazi business owners call the police and bitch about loitering infront of their buildings. So I bought hits of Acid and hung out in cemetaries. It was cheap it lasted hours (even days once or twice) and kept me from being hungry.
On Friday nights in Greenville, I participated in poetry slams at the village cafe in hopes of winning some cash. One of the judges was Natalie Merchant's mom Ann who was always kind and seemed to enjoy my poetry. I never did win and the cafe ended up closing down so that sucked.
I went back home for awhile and tried school again. This time I went to the academy. The best school anyone could go to in the south. It's actually the Academy of the Arts Science and Technology. Everything was so intense but non traditional of education as I had known it. The people there were different like me. Into art and film, playing guitar, and enjoying their outcast labels. I made a couple of awesome friends there who I am still friends with today.
The only problem I had with this school was that it was too intense for someone who tried to work 2 full time jobs and complete 2 grades of school at once. It didnt happen. A teacher pissed me off...once again I was very near my stress limit so off I went. Retreating back into the real world. However I managed to fracture my ankle and screw up my knee and my warm-hearted roommate kicked me out only 3 or 4 days after I got out of the hospital. So again I was off.
I drove the car that my dad had given me as a peace offering up to VA where I was to stay with a woman from some chat room. When I got there I learned she was a crack head. This came only after she stole my car and wallet while I slept and spent all of my money on her drugs. 2 other internet buddies bailed me out. I never did meet them.
Back to greenville...
I offered to drive a friend to work as long as he let me stay with him. ON the way in one morning we passed by another guy who was carrying a large box as he walked down the street. I was asked impatiently to pull over and pick him up. Within 3 hours, I was in Atlanta, GA with 2 guys who had devised a plan to buy a lot of drugs to resell once we got back to SC. I was unaware of this plan. I was under the impression I was driving this guy to a friends house where I would drop him off and he would pay me $100. WRONG. I ended up getting stuck with them for 2 weeks pinned up in various hotel rooms while they attempted to score and turn over what they had scored to fellow feens. My patience was running out, but I had no choice.
Little did I know that the 2 would end up basically trying to kill one another after bingeing for several days. I myself was having intense moodswings from living under the rule of thick yellow smoke. I was sick of other tennants running back and forth all day and all night. They used rocks as currency. A small black woman gave me 3 rocks for taking her to pick up milk and diapers for her many children. I gave the rocks to the guys who saw these as bonus' whoch allowed them to feed their addictions.
As I mentioned just abit ago the two ended up fighting over whose rocks were whose. I finally put my foot down and told them both they had 5 minutes to get their asses in the car or they would have to find their own way home from Atlanta. One made it & the other...well, who the hell knows.
The one guy waited until we got in the car when he decided to tell me he didnt want to go back to SC and offered me $200 if I would take him to NY. So back to NY. Along the way I made arrangements to stay @ a friends house. I told him he'd have to take care of himself. I dropped him off at Taco Bell and coincidently only saw him once after that. He dissappeared beyond a set of railroad tracks.
I attempted to go visit my grandparents while I was "in town". My grandmother like always made excuses. I called my mother who was pretty out of it and told me I couldn't come to her house. By the end of the summer I was in a homeless shelter that felt more like a mental hospital. I knew it was time to get out of this situation. I was getting way too worn out and I was only 18. By this time I was on Medicaid and Welfare and on a grequenter of self help groups. Especially AA meetings which were held downstairs and offered free coffee and doughnuts. Within 1 month I put myself in rehab. I was there for 28 days being told that LSD is not an addictive drug. But I definitely had an addictive personality and was totally living the life of an addict. 1 week after my treatment ended, my grandfather died. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and now I would never see him again. I flipped. I went to the funeral and felt like the kid from "Flight of the Navigator". The disney movie where the kid falls into a pit and everyone except him ages like 10 years or so. I felt like I was 5. I had trouble reading, writing, thinking, speaking, I shut down and...you guessed it... I hauled ass!
SC or bust
There is so much more to this story and if you want to read what else happened you will have to stay tuned! Or drop me an email and I will fill you in. If you are a publisher and want to help me put a book together Email me!
JLeMin@mail.com
